You log on. It’s patch day! None of your addons work. There are all kinds of new toys and changes to enjoy, and you can’t wait to explore the content.
At some point, you travel to a major city.
You are in a major city. There are other characters all around you, doing normal in-game things.
There are seven posts in trade channel:
“Where the hell did all my Doodad 1 go?!”
“Where can I get New Character Enhancement?”
“gg on so much server downtime, omfg”
“LFG multiplayer content”
“WHERE IS NEW THING”
“My Doodad 2 got deleted!!!1 I’m filing a complaint.”
“What is New Game Mechanic?”
If there is someone online who would like to kindly correct the internet, goto 3.
If there is someone online who would like players to do some amount of reading, goto 4.
If you’ve seen the question “What is New Game Mechanic?” ten times, goto 10.
The kind person answers the question. The original poster says thank you. Or not.
If you have noticed the person looking for multiplayer content twice already, goto 5.
Otherwise, goto 2.
The geeky gamer says,
“Go read the patch notes.”
If there are many people of this mindset online, goto 7.
Otherwise, goto 6.
That person gets tired of trying to penetrate the repetitive patch droning, stops asking, and goes off to do solo content.
Goto 2, replacing “LFG multiplayer content” with a new and different person saying “WTB cool new Thing”, then a new person saying “WTS reagent for Thing”, then another saying “WTB reagent to make Thing”, then start over with one saying “LFG multiplayer content”.
The conversation continues:
“Jeez! Why not just answer the question?”
“Because people are going to log on all day and ask that question.”
“It only takes two seconds to answer the question!”
“If I’m mean now, maybe the person will read the patch notes that they clicked right past to get into the game, and next time they won’t clutter up trade chat.”
The Internet Dickwads appear from nowhere and pile on:
“ya rly nub go nub somewhere else nub”
“go die kthxbye”
“w/e stfu cuz you have crappy welfare epics”
“diaf bbq moron”
“I’ve always hated you, Bob.”
If the Dickwads start infighting and completely lose sight of the original point, goto 12.
If there is an extroverted person online who was bullied as a child, goto 6.
Otherwise, goto 9.
Many parties proudly declare that their opponent in the argument is a complete waste of everyone’s time and effort to read, so they’re reporting that person for chat abuse and/or putting that person on ignore.
You /facepalm in your heart that they announced this over the same channel.
The conversation continues:
“This is a game, it’s not homework.”
“Why don’t you just take five minutes instead of asking everyone on the server to do it for you.”
“If I wanted to read, I’d watch the ticker on the bottom of SportsCenter. I just want to play.”
“Then keep your ‘just playing’ out of the damn global trade channel.”
You just can’t stand see this conversation play out again.
If you turn off trade chat and stay in the city, goto 13.
If you leave the city, goto 13.
After glancing at your chatbox, you say to yourself, “It’s been over two hours and this conversation is still going on?!!”
The conversation spirals out of control just like every other argument between strangers on the internet, for example:
“I pay my fifteen dollars a month and I can use trade if I want to, it’s called Freedom of Speech.”
You can replace it with any other typical weblog comments, forums, or irc lunacy you’ve ever seen, invariably leading to one of the following:
- Yo Mamma
You have left the city-chat network and are blissfully exploring the new content! It’s a good thing the Massively part of MMO isn’t mandatory.
If you stay on this character, you win! Enjoy the new content.
If you later log on an alt, goto 11.
- The Offseason
- “No, it’s totally healthy.”
- Drama is Inevitable
- Disconnectors: Internet Impaired or Pug Menace?
- Ghostcrawler is Awesome