Choose Your Post-Major-MMO-Patch Chat Adventure


You log on. It’s patch day! None of your addons work. There are all kinds of new toys and changes to enjoy, and you can’t wait to explore the content.

At some point, you travel to a major city.

Goto 2.


You are in a major city. There are other char­ac­ters all around you, doing nor­mal in-game things.

There are seven posts in trade channel:

“Where the hell did all my Doo­dad 1 go?!”

“Where can I get New Char­ac­ter Enhancement?”

“gg on so much server down­time, omfg”

LFG mul­ti­player content”


“My Doo­dad 2 got deleted!!!1 I’m fil­ing a complaint.”

“What is New Game Mechanic?”

If there is some­one online who would like to kindly cor­rect the inter­net, goto 3.

If there is some­one online who would like play­ers to do some amount of read­ing, goto 4.

If you’ve seen the ques­tion “What is New Game Mechanic?” ten times, goto 10.


The kind per­son answers the ques­tion. The orig­i­nal poster says thank you. Or not.

If you have noticed the per­son look­ing for mul­ti­player con­tent twice already, goto 5.

Oth­er­wise, goto 2.


The geeky gamer says,

“Go read the patch notes.”

If there are many peo­ple of this mind­set online, goto 7.

Oth­er­wise, goto 6.


That per­son gets tired of try­ing to pen­e­trate the repet­i­tive patch dron­ing, stops ask­ing, and goes off to do solo content.

Goto 2, replac­ing “LFG mul­ti­player con­tent” with a new and dif­fer­ent per­son say­ing “WTB cool new Thing”, then a new per­son say­ing “WTS reagent for Thing”, then another say­ing “WTB reagent to make Thing”, then start over with one say­ing “LFG mul­ti­player con­tent”.


The con­ver­sa­tion continues:

“Jeez! Why not just answer the question?”

“Because peo­ple are going to log on all day and ask that question.”

“It only takes two sec­onds to answer the question!”

“If I’m mean now, maybe the per­son will read the patch notes that they clicked right past to get into the game, and next time they won’t clut­ter up trade chat.”

Goto 9.


The Inter­net Dick­wads appear from nowhere and pile on:

“what­ever NOOB!”

“ya rly nub go nub some­where else nub”


“go die kthxbye”

“w/e stfu cuz you have crappy wel­fare epics”

“diaf bbq moron”

“I’ve always hated you, Bob.”

If the Dick­wads start infight­ing and com­pletely lose sight of the orig­i­nal point, goto 12.

If there is an extro­verted per­son online who was bul­lied as a child, goto 6.

Oth­er­wise, goto 9.


Many par­ties proudly declare that their oppo­nent in the argu­ment is a com­plete waste of everyone’s time and effort to read, so they’re report­ing that per­son for chat abuse and/or putting that per­son on ignore.

You /facepalm in your heart that they announced this over the same channel.

Goto 2.


The con­ver­sa­tion continues:

“This is a game, it’s not home­work.”

“Why don’t you just take five min­utes instead of ask­ing every­one on the server to do it for you.”

“If I wanted to read, I’d watch the ticker on the bot­tom of Sports­Cen­ter. I just want to play.”

“Then keep your ‘just play­ing’ out of the damn global trade channel.”

Goto 12.


You just can’t stand see this con­ver­sa­tion play out again.

If you turn off trade chat and stay in the city, goto 13.

If you leave the city, goto 13.


After glanc­ing at your chat­box, you say to your­self, “It’s been over two hours and this con­ver­sa­tion is still going on?!!”

Goto 10.


The con­ver­sa­tion spi­rals out of con­trol just like every other argu­ment between strangers on the inter­net, for example:

“I pay my fif­teen dol­lars a month and I can use trade if I want to, it’s called Free­dom of Speech.”

You can replace it with any other typ­i­cal weblog com­ments, forums, or irc lunacy you’ve ever seen, invari­ably lead­ing to one of the following:

  • Reli­gion
  • Pol­i­tics
  • Sci­ence
  • Faith
  • Nazis
  • Yo Mamma

Goto 8.


You have left the city-chat net­work and are bliss­fully explor­ing the new con­tent! It’s a good thing the Mas­sively part of MMO isn’t mandatory.

If you stay on this char­ac­ter, you win! Enjoy the new con­tent.

If you later log on an alt, goto 11.

More Words!

8 thoughts on “Choose Your Post-Major-MMO-Patch Chat Adventure”

  1. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s that I’ve given too many inter­nets to peo­ple who deserved them. If I could take all of them back, I would give them to you, good sir.

  2. Haha this was fun…

    Some­times I won­der though if we would be entirely happy if we could ret rid of that kind of some­times pretty bizarr con­ver­sa­tions going on i gen­eral. Being all on your own in Des­o­lace, wan­der­ing around with noone to get annoyed with but the scor­pi­ons gets a bit lonely after a while. I think I’d miss some of it if it every­thing one day just turned silent.

    1. @krizzlybear — Thank you so much! I’ve seen inter­nets and have always wanted one.

      @Larísa — I agree, I wouldn’t want the con­ver­sa­tions to go away! Even though I punch the online com­mu­nity in the arm occa­sion­ally, I’m play­ing this instead of a single-player game on purpose.

  3. This made me laugh. I was plan­ning on doing the same and leav­ing Trade, but then some­one kept telling peo­ple to jump off of the Aldor Ter­race — as opposed to the Scry­ers Ter­race — for the Going Down? achieve­ment and see­ing peo­ple do it and then whine about it in the chan­nel had too much appeal!

    I am very tired of peo­ple ask­ing where the Lex­i­con of Power is.

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