Choose Your Post-Major-MMO-Patch Chat Adventure

1

You log on. It’s patch day! None of your addons work. There are all kinds of new toys and changes to enjoy, and you can’t wait to explore the con­tent.

At some point, you trav­el to a major city.

Goto 2.

2

You are in a major city. There are oth­er char­ac­ters all around you, doing nor­mal in-game things.

There are sev­en posts in trade chan­nel:

“Where the hell did all my Doo­dad 1 go?!”

“Where can I get New Char­ac­ter Enhance­ment?”

“gg on so much serv­er down­time, omfg”

LFG mul­ti­play­er con­tent”

WHERE IS NEW THING

“My Doo­dad 2 got deleted!!!1 I’m fil­ing a com­plaint.”

“What is New Game Mechan­ic?”

If there is some­one online who would like to kind­ly cor­rect the inter­net, goto 3.

If there is some­one online who would like play­ers to do some amount of read­ing, goto 4.

If you’ve seen the ques­tion “What is New Game Mechan­ic?” ten times, goto 10.

3

The kind per­son answers the ques­tion. The orig­i­nal poster says thank you. Or not.

If you have noticed the per­son look­ing for mul­ti­play­er con­tent twice already, goto 5.

Oth­er­wise, goto 2.

4

The geeky gamer says,

“Go read the patch notes.”

If there are many peo­ple of this mind­set online, goto 7.

Oth­er­wise, goto 6.

5

That per­son gets tired of try­ing to pen­e­trate the repet­i­tive patch dron­ing, stops ask­ing, and goes off to do solo con­tent.

Goto 2, replac­ing “LFG mul­ti­play­er con­tent” with a new and dif­fer­ent per­son say­ing “WTB cool new Thing”, then a new per­son say­ing “WTS reagent for Thing”, then anoth­er say­ing “WTB reagent to make Thing”, then start over with one say­ing “LFG mul­ti­play­er con­tent”.

6

The con­ver­sa­tion con­tin­ues:

“Jeez! Why not just answer the ques­tion?”

“Because peo­ple are going to log on all day and ask that ques­tion.”

“It only takes two sec­onds to answer the ques­tion!”

“If I’m mean now, maybe the per­son will read the patch notes that they clicked right past to get into the game, and next time they won’t clut­ter up trade chat.”

Goto 9.

7

The Inter­net Dick­wads appear from nowhere and pile on:

“what­ev­er NOOB!”

“ya rly nub go nub some­where else nub”

“rtfm”

“go die kthxbye”

“w/e stfu cuz you have crap­py wel­fare epics”

“diaf bbq moron”

“I’ve always hat­ed you, Bob.”

If the Dick­wads start infight­ing and com­plete­ly lose sight of the orig­i­nal point, goto 12.

If there is an extro­vert­ed per­son online who was bul­lied as a child, goto 6.

Oth­er­wise, goto 9.

8

Many par­ties proud­ly declare that their oppo­nent in the argu­ment is a com­plete waste of every­one’s time and effort to read, so they’re report­ing that per­son for chat abuse and/or putting that per­son on ignore.

You /facepalm in your heart that they announced this over the same chan­nel.

Goto 2.

9

The con­ver­sa­tion con­tin­ues:

“This is a game, it’s not home­work.”

“Why don’t you just take five min­utes instead of ask­ing every­one on the serv­er to do it for you.”

“If I want­ed to read, I’d watch the tick­er on the bot­tom of Sports­Cen­ter. I just want to play.”

“Then keep your ‘just play­ing’ out of the damn glob­al trade chan­nel.”

Goto 12.

10

You just can’t stand see this con­ver­sa­tion play out again.

If you turn off trade chat and stay in the city, goto 13.

If you leave the city, goto 13.

11

After glanc­ing at your chat­box, you say to your­self, “It’s been over two hours and this con­ver­sa­tion is still going on?!!”

Goto 10.

12

The con­ver­sa­tion spi­rals out of con­trol just like every oth­er argu­ment between strangers on the inter­net, for exam­ple:

“I pay my fif­teen dol­lars a month and I can use trade if I want to, it’s called Free­dom of Speech.”

You can replace it with any oth­er typ­i­cal weblog com­ments, forums, or irc luna­cy you’ve ever seen, invari­ably lead­ing to one of the fol­low­ing:

  • Reli­gion
  • Pol­i­tics
  • Sci­ence
  • Faith
  • Nazis
  • Yo Mam­ma

Goto 8.

13

You have left the city-chat net­work and are bliss­ful­ly explor­ing the new con­tent! It’s a good thing the Mas­sive­ly part of MMO isn’t manda­to­ry.

If you stay on this char­ac­ter, you win! Enjoy the new con­tent.

If you lat­er log on an alt, goto 11.

More Words!

8 thoughts on “Choose Your Post-Major-MMO-Patch Chat Adventure”

  1. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s that I’ve giv­en too many inter­nets to peo­ple who deserved them. If I could take all of them back, I would give them to you, good sir.

  2. Haha this was fun…

    Some­times I won­der though if we would be entire­ly hap­py if we could ret rid of that kind of some­times pret­ty bizarr con­ver­sa­tions going on i gen­er­al. Being all on your own in Des­o­lace, wan­der­ing around with noone to get annoyed with but the scor­pi­ons gets a bit lone­ly after a while. I think I’d miss some of it if it every­thing one day just turned silent.

    1. @krizzlybear — Thank you so much! I’ve seen inter­nets and have always want­ed one.

      @Larísa — I agree, I would­n’t want the con­ver­sa­tions to go away! Even though I punch the online com­mu­ni­ty in the arm occa­sion­al­ly, I’m play­ing this instead of a sin­gle-play­er game on pur­pose.

  3. This made me laugh. I was plan­ning on doing the same and leav­ing Trade, but then some­one kept telling peo­ple to jump off of the Aldor Ter­race — as opposed to the Scry­ers Ter­race — for the Going Down? achieve­ment and see­ing peo­ple do it and then whine about it in the chan­nel had too much appeal!

    I am very tired of peo­ple ask­ing where the Lex­i­con of Pow­er is.

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