Choose Your Post-Major-MMO-Patch Chat Adventure


You log on. It's patch day! None of your addons work. There are all kinds of new toys and changes to enjoy, and you can't wait to explore the content.

At some point, you travel to a major city.

Goto 2.


You are in a major city. There are other characters all around you, doing normal in-game things.

There are seven posts in trade channel:

"Where the hell did all my Doodad 1 go?!"

"Where can I get New Character Enhancement?"

"gg on so much server downtime, omfg"

"LFG multiplayer content"


"My Doodad 2 got deleted!!!1 I'm filing a complaint."

"What is New Game Mechanic?"

If there is someone online who would like to kindly correct the internet, goto 3.

If there is someone online who would like players to do some amount of reading, goto 4.

If you've seen the question "What is New Game Mechanic?" ten times, goto 10.


The kind person answers the question. The original poster says thank you. Or not.

If you have noticed the person looking for multiplayer content twice already, goto 5.

Otherwise, goto 2.


The geeky gamer says,

"Go read the patch notes."

If there are many people of this mindset online, goto 7.

Otherwise, goto 6.


That person gets tired of trying to penetrate the repetitive patch droning, stops asking, and goes off to do solo content.

Goto 2, replacing "LFG multiplayer content" with a new and different person saying "WTB cool new Thing", then a new person saying "WTS reagent for Thing", then another saying "WTB reagent to make Thing", then start over with one saying "LFG multiplayer content".


The conversation continues:

"Jeez! Why not just answer the question?"

"Because people are going to log on all day and ask that question."

"It only takes two seconds to answer the question!"

"If I'm mean now, maybe the person will read the patch notes that they clicked right past to get into the game, and next time they won't clutter up trade chat."

Goto 9.


The Internet Dickwads appear from nowhere and pile on:

"whatever NOOB!"

"ya rly nub go nub somewhere else nub"


"go die kthxbye"

"w/e stfu cuz you have crappy welfare epics"

"diaf bbq moron"

"I've always hated you, Bob."

If the Dickwads start infighting and completely lose sight of the original point, goto 12.

If there is an extroverted person online who was bullied as a child, goto 6.

Otherwise, goto 9.


Many parties proudly declare that their opponent in the argument is a complete waste of everyone's time and effort to read, so they're reporting that person for chat abuse and/or putting that person on ignore.

You /facepalm in your heart that they announced this over the same channel.

Goto 2.


The conversation continues:

"This is a game, it's not homework."

"Why don't you just take five minutes instead of asking everyone on the server to do it for you."

"If I wanted to read, I'd watch the ticker on the bottom of SportsCenter. I just want to play."

"Then keep your 'just playing' out of the damn global trade channel."

Goto 12.


You just can't stand see this conversation play out again.

If you turn off trade chat and stay in the city, goto 13.

If you leave the city, goto 13.


After glancing at your chatbox, you say to yourself, "It's been over two hours and this conversation is still going on?!!"

Goto 10.


The conversation spirals out of control just like every other argument between strangers on the internet, for example:

"I pay my fifteen dollars a month and I can use trade if I want to, it's called Freedom of Speech."

You can replace it with any other typical weblog comments, forums, or irc lunacy you've ever seen, invariably leading to one of the following:

  • Religion
  • Politics
  • Science
  • Faith
  • Nazis
  • Yo Mamma

Goto 8.


You have left the city-chat network and are blissfully exploring the new content! It's a good thing the Massively part of MMO isn't mandatory.

If you stay on this character, you win! Enjoy the new content.

If you later log on an alt, goto 11.

More Words!

8 thoughts on “Choose Your Post-Major-MMO-Patch Chat Adventure”

  1. If there's one thing I regret, it's that I've given too many internets to people who deserved them. If I could take all of them back, I would give them to you, good sir.

  2. Haha this was fun…

    Sometimes I wonder though if we would be entirely happy if we could ret rid of that kind of sometimes pretty bizarr conversations going on i general. Being all on your own in Desolace, wandering around with noone to get annoyed with but the scorpions gets a bit lonely after a while. I think I'd miss some of it if it everything one day just turned silent.

    1. @krizzlybear – Thank you so much! I've seen internets and have always wanted one.

      @Larísa – I agree, I wouldn't want the conversations to go away! Even though I punch the online community in the arm occasionally, I'm playing this instead of a single-player game on purpose.

  3. This made me laugh. I was planning on doing the same and leaving Trade, but then someone kept telling people to jump off of the Aldor Terrace — as opposed to the Scryers Terrace — for the Going Down? achievement and seeing people do it and then whine about it in the channel had too much appeal!

    I am very tired of people asking where the Lexicon of Power is.

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